So, since only people I really trust read this blog and comment on this, I thought 'Why not write down for a change what really lies deep down in my heart.'
And, to be honest with all of you, I have to think about it. I don't even know. But somehow, there's so many desires and wishes. For one, even though I'd gladly like to study and maybe become a coroner or a psychiatrist one day, what I really wish for is being an artist, a singer, an actress, whatever as long as it's creative. And my heart also screams for moving somewhere where it's warm all year long and I can hear the sea when I go to bed and see the sun rise over waves of blue when I wake up. (Even though I like snow, but the winter months and the mountains make my brain short-circuit. As you may or may not know, I'm very prone to winter depressions and I swear to God that very often during these months I'd just like to kill myself quickly so it's all over, it's so stupid of course and no, I'm not suicidal because of that, but darkness makes my life unbearable.)
I know that leading a creative life doesn't provide a lot of money, but then again deep down I don't care whether I'll have a big house and an expensive car. I don't like large spaces because I feel so lonely then.
What I'm really afraid of is that none of my wishes will ever come true and that I'll stay in this damned place forever, with no chance of leaving. All I want to do is move to a different place, to a different continent, to become an independent person and live on my own finally, with no restrictions and no more people thinking they are more intelligent than me just because I'm a child. I want to start over, I want to do what I want.
Maybe it's my biggest wish to paint. I still want to cut up corpses. I want to study for that, but I don't want to do it here. May it sound stupid or not, I was not made to stay in little old Austria. I hate this fucking country so much and I KNOW that we have a very good healthcare system and educational system and it may just be the perfect place to live, but it's not perfect for me. I've always felt home abroad, never at my real home. This country is not my home, it was the place I grew up in and that was it. Everywhere else is better. And even though so many people have dreamed the American dream and failed, I think I could live there. I don't have expectations of the wonderful place that is so utopian, I just don't want to hear German ever again. I want to be able to go to Wendy's or Taco Bell or fucking Krispy Kreme, whatever.
Somehow I've gone off track, but that's what my heart contains. There's so much more, but what's for sure: I certainly don't want to be in the environment I am in now in twenty years.
I hope that I'll make it and that I'm not the calamity jane, after all.
EDIT: Now, what I take as some kind of sign, my fortune cookie just said 'Doors will be opening for you in many areas of your life'. I'm happy :)
3 comments:
I put on a sad-sounding piece of rock music when I started reading that, just out of coincidence. It finished just as I finished reading. How fitting...
So you really don't like Austria, huh? If you really wanna leave, best to start with small steps. Even if that means waiting quite a while, getting a few unwanted jobs and all. Eventually you'll reach your dream, whatever it is, if you work hard. Not to mention that your views could change sometime in the future. Might decide on something else you like, there's plenty of unknown jobs out there that we don't know of yet.
Whatever happens, as long as you're happy, that's the main thing. Love makes us happy more than anything too, and that's not just romance, but also friendship and generally just having people there for you. You'll be meeting new people all the time, too. So much in life makes us happy and you'll be happy yourself, too. Try not to worry about these things, just live life as it goes on and accept that even though bad stuff's going to happen, good stuff will happen also. Good luck reaching your dream, you can do it!
Sometimes life throws you weird coincidences, I love that!
You might be right, but I think if I leave as soon as possible (of course after I've finished school!) I'll have the best chances, since I know that as soon as I have a flat and as soon as I'm studying, I'll have a feeling of getting settled and I won't ever change. I'm very allergic to changing old ways and as soon as that becomes an old way, it's over for sure.
Also, if I don't have a flat, a boyfriend and a job here, that makes it very easy to leave, right? :)
God forbade if I'm not happy right now, as there would be no reason not to be. But somehow, there's a bit missing that leaves me unsatisfied. Call me a loony, but if you believe in astrology it's the Sagittarius/Leo calling. I somehow believe in everything that science hasn't disproved, so the double fire-/wanderlust-signs make it impossible for me to enjoy my place.
Thank you for your kind words Kenny, as always!
It's a reeeeeally big life decision, so you have to be super sure ^^; But I trust you'll make the right choice!
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